Cousin Eddie is Coming to Thanksgiving Dinner

Thanksgiving is about to roll around again soon. Families will get together to eat and watch football. There might be a round or two of golf around here, if the weather is pretty. Deer hunting is probably another option for some. I also know that Thanksgiving fires off a season that can be sad and stressful.

I did not grow up sharing the holidays with extended family. There were a lot of reasons for that. It was just a fact of life. Jan is related to most of the state of Texas, and a few in New Mexico too. After we got married in 1984, I quickly learned about holidays with an extensive network of family. There are a few characters in the family. That may be the understatement of the year. I have learned a lot from all of them over the years.

Jan has interesting array of aunts. I dearly loved her Aunt Rita, who is now deceased. Rita could be a little rough around the edges, so I could relate to her. I loved her unvarnished viewpoints that were always seasoned with humor. And then there is Aunt Cordelia. Cordelia is just cool. One of her sons is a police investigator for a DFW area department. When he was assigned to patrol right out of the academy, his mother rode out with him on a shift. How cool is that! When I asked her about that experience at a family function years ago, she said: Those guys know who the enemy is… They are all out there in the field to take care of each other. They don’t let their quirks or personality differences impede that process. They don’t view each other as the enemy. She proceeded to make the proper application as well. In churches and in families, we shoot our own! We often view each other as the enemy.

I have always remembered that astute observation. And I have shared that insight repeatedly when I am asked to speak to Citizen’s Police Academy groups or police chaplains around the state. Her observations during the initial ride out were right on target. I have been thinking about Cordelia’s experience, as I prepare for the holidays this year.

Members of my family are not the enemy. I may get really irritated with Cousin Eddie this year, but he is not the enemy! (You know every family has a Cousin Eddie. Of course my main concern is that I could be Cousin Eddie!) Jan’s aunts and uncles are not the enemy. Jan is certainly not the enemy! We are all playing on the same team. Family members should be there for each other for love and protection.

Let’s enjoy each other during the Thanksgiving Holiday. Let’s acknowledge that this could very well be the last the holiday we enjoy with some family members. Aunt Rita’s husband, children, and grandchildren will miss her at the table again this year. She has been gone over three years now. She was integral part of the team. I may even be tempted to grin for a minute during the Thanksgiving meal, as I think of something she said that I thought was particularly funny.

There maybe empty chairs at the table of Thanksgiving for other reasons too…When we allow a family member to become the enemy, conflict causes places at the table to go unseated. How should that be handled? More in my blog tomorrow, because Thanksgiving is about to roll again pretty soon…

No Need for Apologies...

I am extremely fortunate to have a circle of loyal friends who come from many walks of life. Some are peers and others are considerably older. In the case of some of my friends, I am old enough to be their father. My older friends provide wisdom about the issues that still lie ahead. They no longer fund car insurance for their boys and they have walked their daughters down the aisle. My peers reassure me that I that I am not crazy. They share so many of the same feelings and experiences during the same time period in life. My younger friends keep me up to speed technologically. I learn about new music and new sayings! If it were not for my younger associates, I might still be listening to eight tracks and wearing my shirt tails tucked in all of the time.

I am still learning new things about friendship everyday from all three of those groups. Two in particular stand out today. Here is the first one: a friendship is not completely sealed until there is a shared crisis. Perhaps that has a morbid tone, but it is true. When a crisis arises, real friends put their life on hold for the other person. In some cases it is a major and possibly life altering event. As a law enforcement chaplain, I have gotten people out of bed in the middle of the night more than once, so they can comfort a friend in a time of immediate tragedy. Sometimes it just entails a flashpoint in the day. We all have those days when we are jarred by an event or a piece of news. It is something that is upsetting or stressful. Our friends are there simply to walk with us. When the direct predicament is over, the relationship with the person we shared it with is not the same. The friendship is sealed.

When we feel totally comfortable calling someone during a crisis, it is a sign of deepening friendship. If I have to apologize for imposing on someone else, then that relationship still has a ways to go before it can be characterized as a real friendship. I always smile to myself when a friend calls me and does not apologize for a perceived imposition. When the unloading process gets underway immediately, it is a really good sign!

Yesterday I read an article in USA Today about the rising suicide rate among ministers. The combination of unrealistic expectations, being the confidant for everyone else, and yet having no one who can be trusted with their personal information provides the ingredients for depression among those in ministry. At first glance, I thought I should not be reading such material on a Monday! And then the rational part of my brain kicked in. I am grateful that I have friends that I can call when I am discouraged. I feel no need to apologize for such a call. I am equally thankful for those who feel free to call me, and not apologize…

I was reminded of those two rules of friendship today. Friendships are sealed during times of crisis. Unapologetic phone calls are a sign that the relationship is deepening. It is comforting to go to bed tonight knowing that a real friend is only one unapologetic phone call away, when the inevitable crisis arises. I am grateful for all of my friends of all ages tonight.

A Little Creativity Won't Hurt!

I am not a creative parent. I may be a decent parent. I think I can be a real pain as a parent, but I am lacking in the creativity department. I do recognize that creativity is a good thing, when it comes to the parental role. I appreciated an interesting parental story that Donald Miller shares in his most recent release.

It seems a father was engrossed in ESPN or the like when his daughter came in to show off her new prom dress. He dutifully muted the television and complimented her dress. She went on about her way and he went back to his ballgame. That is where I part ways with him. I would have extended the compliment and given little more thought to the interchange. He had this feeling gnawing at him that he should have said more to his impressionable teenage daughter.

Enter creativity into this scenario. The father of the teenage girl proceeds to turn his show off and go change into a suit and tie. He then knocks on the door of his daughter’s room. She comes to the door with straight pins carefully place in the dress that her mother is preparing to alter. She of course asks her dad what is up with the suit. And he says……I thought I had better look nice if we are going to have our picture made together. So they did…Pictures were taken and the creative father proceeded to dance with his daughter and his wife in the living room until 1:00 in the morning. I wonder if that girl will ever forget the events leading up to her high school prom.

I am not a father of daughters, which is probably a good thing. When I read that story, I was reminded that a little creativity goes a long way in making a memory for a child. I am sure that girl feel affirmed and loved in a special kind of way. Such parental creativity does not come naturally for the vast majority of us, but that is no excuse. We just need to turn off the television and let our minds wonder a bit. Lifelong memories could be closer than what we think.

As I read the story recounted by Donald Miller, I was reminded of the lyrics from the Steven Curtis Chapman song entitled: Cinderella. I think they are a pretty good reminder even for those of us who are fathers of boys.

She spins and she sways to whatever song plays, Without a care in the world. And I'm sitting here wearing the weight of the world on my shoulders. It's been a long day and there's still work to do, She's pulling at me saying "Dad I need you! There's a ball at the castle and I've been invited and I need to practice my dancin'" "Oh please, daddy, please!" Chorus: So I will dance with Cinderella While she is here in my arms 'Cause I know something the prince never knew Oh I will dance with Cinderella I don't want to miss even one song 'Cause all too soon the clock will strike midnight And she'll be gone. Verse 2: She says he's a nice guy and I'd be impressed She wants to know if I approve of the dress She says, "Dad the prom is just one week away And I need to practice my dancin' "Oh please, daddy , please!" Chorus: So I will dance with Cinderella While she is here in my arms 'Cause I know something the prince never knew Oh I will dance with Cinderella I don't want to miss even one song 'Cause all too soon the clock will strike midnight And she'll be gone Verse 3: Well she came home today with a ring on her hand Just glowin' and tellin' us all they had planned She says, "Dad the wedding's still six months away but I need to practice my dancin' "Oh please, daddy , please!" Chorus: So I will dance with Cinderella While she is here in my arms 'Cause I know something the prince never knew Oh I will dance with Cinderella I don't want to miss even one song 'Cause all too soon the clock will strike midnight And she'll be gone

The Drift Toward the Acceptable: Part I

I love autobiographies. I find them inspiring. I am willing read the entire gamut in this area of literature. I have not always been a big fan of Teddy Kennedy, but his autobiography is in my reading queue. I just completed an autobiography of sorts. Donald Miller, author of Blue Like Jazz, recently released a new work. The title is: A Million Miles in a Thousand Years. It is autobiographical for sure, but he writes with the purpose of inspiring those who have given up on life. Here is a summary included in the forward of the book:

Every life is a story. Whether it is a story worth telling or talking about, though, is up to you. People set out with grand dreams of changing the world, falling in love, doing something amazing. But the drift toward the merely acceptable happens almost without notice…

Miller is not very structured in his writing style, and I love it! The key points he is trying to get across are not broken into chapter divisions or in some other kind of neat and tidy list. You just have read, pay attention, and be ready to internalize the golden nuggets of wisdom that he drops along the way. He is the first one:

Humans are designed to seek comfort and order, and so if they have comfort and order, they tend to plant themselves, even if their comfort isn't all that comfortable. And even if they secretly want for something better…

I found this quote troubling, because unfortunately he is right. It is indeed the drift toward the acceptable. As I approach my 48th birthday, I have become aware of two things going on my life, and in the lives of my close friends. I think across the board we are more humble and pleasant to be around. When I look back at some of the arrogant attitudes I held onto at age 25, it scares me. All of us have had our share of life bumps. Gone are the days of social snobbery that characterized the middle school and high school years. Even the days of feeling compelled to make some kind of materialistic statement have vanished for most of us. We are actually very pleasant to be around these days! We are kinder and more empathetic.

I also think most of us have drifted toward the merely acceptable. It seems to me that it is important to experience a life wake up call, where we can rethink our goals. It is a time to throw caution to the wind and dream again. A time to go back to school, a time to try again, a time to do something we have never done, a time do the hard work of reconciling broken relationships…

Miller’s most recent book has given me the perspective I need to accomplish such objectives. Quite frankly I don't like some of the things he shares. It is easier just to stay in the familiar comfort zone… But I am going to take his thoughts to heart, because I really do want to travel a million miles in a thousand years. More on Miller’s book in tomorrow’s blog.

Racing Down the Judgmental Freeway

I concluded that he just did not like me. I worked for a police supervisor a number of years ago who is a fine man. For some odd reason I had a very difficult time connecting with him. He seemed distant. I found it difficult to communicate with him. And yet those who had known him for a long time obviously had great respect for his character and leadership. Long time friends seemed to have positive connections with him. My imagination is vivid. I proceeded to formulate a lengthy list of reasons for him not to like me. It is very unfair to jump to conclusions about people when we only possess some of the facts.

He concluded that I did not like him. About 14 or 15 years ago I got off to a really bad start with another gentleman. And he concluded that I did not like him. He was actually correct in that assumption. At the time, I did not like him. After all I had done my homework. I asked a credible individual about his character and did not get a favorable report. He was immediately tossed aside in the relational waste basket. I could not have been any more foolish. It is indeed very unfair to jump to conclusions about people when only have some of the facts.

About a month ago I ran into the police supervisor. He was cordial and friendly. We connected immediately. I could tell he was very genuine. What is the difference? I discovered there were stressful issues going on in his life during the time period I worked with him. He was preoccupied and withdrawn for quite some time. And that just happened to be about the time that I entered the picture. I determined recently that he always liked me. I volunteer for another department now, but he truly misses me. It is very unfair to jump to conclusions about people when we only possess some of the facts.

In recent years, I have become very close to the gentleman I got off to a bad start with. What an irony. That bad start actually deteriorated into intense conflict. We both knew we didn’t like each other! After burying the hatchet, we learned a lot about each other. When we initially met, neither one of us were in a good place in life. We were facing our respective conflicts on different fronts. Unfortunately we did not take the time to peel a few layers back and discover the real people buried underneath the surface. Today we enjoy a deep and meaningful friendship. I will always protect what we enjoy with each other. It is very unfair to jump to conclusions about people when we only possess some of the facts.

Today I will be tempted to judge someone prematurely. I hate to admit it, but I know it will happen. I am not always very fair with people. I can be judgmental. I intend to consciously catch my thoughts long before they start racing down the judgmental freeway. I plan to assume that the person I am tempted to judge may very well be facing hurdles that I know nothing about. Those same individuals could be dealing with chronic issues that have damaged them emotionally. It could be just a bad time in life for that person.

The real story actually can and will come to the surface, but I know that is not possible unless I choose to be an excellent listener. Traveling at a high rate of speed down the judgmental freeway precludes hearing the real story. Today I will shut the freeway down and block the entry ramp with two good ears. Life is too short to allow meaningful relationships to be destroyed before they have an opportunity to blossom. Just imagine what we are missing out on as we race down a freeway that leads only to misery and conflict. It is very unfair to jump to conclusions about people when we only possess some of the facts….

Out of My Way Old Man!

It is going to happen. I promise… You are going to get behind someone in traffic today who is moving at a snail’s pace. And you will be tempted. I know you will. You will be tempted to sit on your horn, or say something under your breath that would not make your mother proud.

If that doesn’t happen, then it could be that you are going to be behind a person in line at Wal-Mart who is not familiar with the latest check writing procedure that has been recently introduced. Signing what does not look anything like a signature on some electronic contraption is not what that person is accustomed to doing. Once again you will be tempted. Your natural inclination is to get an exasperated look on your face and secretly wish that the individual in front of you could have found another line.

You may have wait a little longer at your doctor’s office today, because that same individual is discussing the lengthy list of medications that he takes everyday with his doctor. Some of those prescriptions are costing him up to $7.00 per day per pill. He never dreamed in a million years that he would be taking all of those meds. Or it could be that he is discussing other health related issues with his physician…

When we get behind that person in traffic today, I wonder where he is going. He acts as if he has nowhere to go and all day to get there. I have a hunch that is not the case. It could be that he is trying to make it to the nursing home by noon, so he can feed his wife of over 60 years. She was diagnosed with Alzheimer’s a few years back, and now he can no longer care for her at home. There are good days, when she recognizes him. And there are not so good days too. Our elderly gentlemen may very well have been purchasing necessities for her at Wal-Mart, as he attempted to work through the latest check signing procedure at America’s favorite retailer. The consultation at the doctor’s office took a little longer than the average visit. Alzheimer’s is a complicated disease….

I really should introduce you to this elderly gentleman. He is indeed a figment of my imagination in the sense that he does not have a name. But most importantly he is a veteran. He landed on the beach at Normandy during the D-Day invasion on June 6, 1944. Or maybe he jumped out of airplanes in the Pacific during WWII and rescued downed pilots. Perhaps he served in a medical unit in Korea in the early ‘50’s. Even some of our Vietnam vets are reaching the stage in life of being elderly and more dependent.

Think twice today before you get impatient. He sacrificed a lot in his life long before any of us were born. He may have left a young bride behind to serve his country back in the day. He postponed his education and his career to protect freedoms that we take for granted. He put his life on the line for each of us. Take a few moments to listen to his story. He has a lot to share.

My father would have celebrated his 84th birthday on November 26th this year, if he were still living. If he were still around, he could very well be one of those old men in traffic holding up progress. My father was a WWII veteran. He was in pilot training preparing for a Japanese Invasion when President Truman ordered atomic bombs to be dropped on Japan in August of 1945. He was discharged honorably from the Army Air Corps not longer after that event, and completed his education at the University of Georgia. I am thinking about him today. In fact, I am thinking about all of our veterans today. I know it is going to happen, but could be possibly envision that old man in traffic in a crisp military uniform before we get all bent of shape?

Kentucky Bound in 1932: Part II

My grandmother and her three children moved into the Teachery, as it was called, at Stuart Robinson School in 1932. Stuart Robinson was nestled back in the mountains in Letcher County, Kentucky. The Teachery included a classroom for home economics on the first floor and apartments for teachers on the second floor. My father and his two siblings grew up in that second floor apartment at the Teachery.

Stuart Robinson was one of several Settlement Schools founded by Presbyterian Church leader and physician, Dr. E.O. Guerrant. Guerrant had been an army officer during the civil war. It was during that time period that he came in contact with the very poor people of the Appalachian Mountain Region. W.L. Cooper, the long time superintendent at Stuart Robinson writes this about the impact the mountain people made on Dr. Guerrant.
Hardships of every kind, disease, ignorance, and extreme poverty were familiar companions in many homes. When the war was over and his duties no longer carried him into the mountain regions, he found that he had left his heart there, and that he would be ever unsatisfied not to share with these fellow countrymen some of the opportunities and privileges which had been his. (W.L.Cooper, p.11)

Stuart Robinson opened its doors to students in 1914 largely due to the influence of this man, who was passionate about reaching out to the mountain people. By the time my grandmother joined the faculty in 1932, there were 300 students on campus. Many of them were resident students, who lived in the dormitories.

What was it like to grow up in a mission school deep in the mountains of Kentucky? My dad lost his father when he was 2 years old, so that was another factor to consider in his upbringing. My dad rarely mentioned the experience, but I picked up hints when I was a kid that it was far from paradise. I think my dad must have seen some great acts of kindness, but I also sensed there was hypocrisy too. It was not until I visited the old Stuart Robinson Campus last year that I began to put at least a few pieces of the puzzle together.

Stuart Robinson graduated its last class in 1957. Today the campus is an outreach center for that entire area. It is called Calvary Campus. Jamie and Rachael Reynolds are directing the ministry there. About this time last year I arranged a visit to the campus. As I drove into Letcher County for the first time, I tried to imagine what must have been going through my Grandmother’s mind during her initial trip in 1931.

Jamie took me on the grand tour. We looked at every single building. One of my grandmother’s former students met us out there that afternoon. She of course is well into her 80’s! She implied that my father and his brother were anything but angels back in the day… It was soon time for me to drive back to the Hampton Inn, where I was scheduled to stay that night. But Jamie and Rachael insisted that I stay in their home…The former Teachery…I actually slept on the second floor, where my family once resided so many years ago. It was at that point that I finally began to understand my father’s background a little better. More in tomorrow’s blog…